Posted on: February 11, 2009 11:10 am
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Fanta-bulous

Mash : Hey Bangers, you wanna Fanta?

Bangers : What in the world did you just say to me? You know I am not into that freaky stuff, especially with your ugly ass.

Mash : No dude, do you want a Fanta? It's a drink.

Bangers : Oh, well is there any alcohol in it?

Mash : No, but...

Bangers : Well then why would I want one and why do you even have one. In case you didn't notice we are in a bar. People come here to get away from fruity crap like that and hide from their problems Mash.

Mash : Yes, I know, but the Fantanas were handing out free Fantas before I walked in and you know how I feel about passing on things that are free.

Bangers : You mean ike Brian Fantana from Anchor Man?

Mash : Well, no, not your idol. The Fantanas are the Fanta girls. You know, the girls that dance around in vividly colored tight fitting outfits and sing 'Don't you wanna Fanta Fanta?'

Bangers : Oh yaaaaa! That red one is hotter than an iron in a frying pan!

Mash : Um, maybe if neither one is turned on. Red? Strawberry? Seriously? Yes, the girl who represents that flavor isn't bad and her name is K.D. Aubert, but nobody likes strawberry soda. I mean, do you know anyone that would willingly buy and drink strawberry soda? Purple is where it's at man. I would drink grape soda until I puked to get lost in a bedroom with Andrea De Oliveira. Although hopefully that would be on a different day than when I was puking.

Bangers : OK, I have no idea why you know these girls'names super stalker, but do you think I really care what the damn soda tastes like. I didn't even know this crap existed before today. I guarantee you that all the flavors taste like a mix between cough syrup and soda water which is why this company had to hire four half naked women to support its product. Have you ever seen Jack Daniels include women in its commercials? No! You know why? Becasue Jack sells itself. They show the bottle, pour it out into a cup with perfect ice cubes, and helpless people like me go out and buy it...over and over again. I'm already drooling by the time the commercial is half over so I don't need some chick to heighten my senses at that point.

Mash : Bangers, we are talking about drop dead gorgeious women in colorful outfits missing more material than Jo-Ann Fabrics during a sale and you are talking about Jack Daniels. Can't you forget about liquor for a few minutes and focus on the topic at hand. Besides a fashion show where the women are a good three inches taller than every man alive and wouldn't talk to you even if your mouth dispensed hundred dollar bills, where are you going to see a seductive temptress in a tight bright purple getup with white lace heels halfway up her legs? OK well maybe in the movies that you are hiding under your bed, but those women aren't real Bangers.

Bangers : Since when do I care what color clothing women are wearing. I can't even remember what color hair or eyes they have, let alone what color their dress is, which might I add will eventually becoming off at some part of the day anyway so what does it matter. And before you come back at me, I'm not saying that I will end up taking it off at the end of the day, I am just saying that it's coming off one way or another. That's how you gotta do it Mash, just realize that every girl you talk to througout the day will be naked at some point. That way you aren't intimidated. There is just a small layer of cloth between you and glory.

Mash : Triiiiixie! Trixie! What is he drinking? Ya, Bangers, what did you give him?

Trixie : It's just a Black Velvet hunny? Why?

Mash : He's delusional. He's talking about his command-and-conquer theory on women again. I think you put too much Pernot in his drink. Just give him a Guiness next time or he will end up humping the night pole at the end of the night and talking about his glory days in 'Nam even though he couldn't even locate it on a map if he actually was able to read. Bangers! We are talking about the Fantanas! Not naked women walking around the bar! Remember, you said the red one was hot even though nobody drinks Strawberry soda anyway.

Bangers : Ya man, I already said that. And think about it, if Strawberry soda was the grossest one, wouldn't they assign the hottest girl to represent the drink nobody wants. I mean everyone knows strawberry and soda don't mix very well, but everyone also knows that beautiful women and buying products that you never plan on using or don't even like mix extremely well. I can't tell you how many bras I own because of Marissa Miller. I must have spend 300 dollars at Victoria's Secret after the Victoria Secret Angel Fashion Show.

Mash : Ya, but you actually use those products. And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not an angel and never will be no matter how much make up you put on or how big your wings look in that mirror you keep talking to. That thing is never going to tell you that you are pretty!

Bangers : Hey man! What the...that is private stuff. You aren't supposed to know about that, let alone be talking about it in public! You don't need to get personal just because you have a horrible taste in woman and aren't intelligent enough to defend yourself.

Mash : Well then next time close your door. And I don't need to defend myself when I am arguing with you or representing someone as beautiful as Andea De Oliveira. She has that look like she would seduce you, steal your wallet and then feel bad about it, only to return in and seduce you again. I mean, what more could you ask for from a woman than that. And we all know that companies protect their best products, which for Fanta is the purple drink. So it only makes sense to assign the most appealing woman to the most appealing soda. You have a lot to learn Bangers. You know they offer business classes online now right? Maybe you can collect enough aluminum cans to afford one?

Bangers : Take your stupid college degree and shove it up your...'hiicuppp!' Damn Black velvets! You know for someone that went to a major party school, you sure do handle your liquor worse than A-Fraud handles a bat in the playoffs. Why don't you learn to drink something besides American Beer like....'hiccuuuup!' Oh man, the room is spinning again. Where is 5 Stacks?

Mash : He's over there passed out on the floor again!

Bangers : What? Oh no, he's tossed his cookies all over himself again. Grab the check, we gotta go!
 

Category: General
Posted on: February 4, 2009 11:26 am
Edited on: February 4, 2009 1:01 pm
 

Just the facts maam

Mash : Hey Bangers, do you ever pay attention the the female reporters on TV.

Bangers : Dude, I pay attention to every woman I see.

Mash : Well, I think Erin Andrews needs to be informed that I am perfect for her.

Bangers : Dude, the only thing you are perfect for is a self-help book and Erin Andrews isn't all that bad, but Rachel Nichols is where it's at man.

Mash : Seriously, Rachel Nichols? She looks like a 12-year-old girl that got her hair dyed for a themed circus party that she wasn't even invited to.

Bangers : Every time I see Rachel Nichols on television, I can't help but think what I would do just to change spots with her microphone. I know it would be a bit uncomfortable for her in the middle of her reporting, but it sure would make my day.

Mash : What are you even talking about. How can you become a microphone? But I will tell you that if Erin Andrews jumped off a bridge, I wouldn't hesitate to follow in her foot steps in an attempt to cushion her fall. And yes, I realize that I would end up dying, but it would be for the greater good of all man kind as it would be a true tragedy if men around the world couldn't continue fantasizing about one of the most talented women in the world.

Bangers : That might actually be the downright stupidest thing you have ever said. Erin Andrews is a prissy sorority chick anyway. She'll make you wait 'til her toe nails dry before she'll let you touch her thigh. Rachel would smash the toenail polish bottle and use the glass to carve love marks into your chest while she takes full advantage of her 'reporting' skills, if you know what I mean. And it's not like you'd have a shot with her anyways, she's 5'10". So she's got a good solid six inches on you and you know chicks don't dig guys shorter than they are.

Mash : If you want to take the low road and make fun of my height, I think there would be the same problem for you but on the other end of the spectrum. Rachel Nichols wouldn't be tall enough to massage your thigh if she was on Manute Bol's shoulders and he was standing on a bar stool. Someone told me that the camera man has to set the camera on the ground just so they can fit her in the picture.

Bangers : You have a lot to learn my friend. There is no such thing as a woman that is too small when I am laying on my back.

Mash : The only time you have ever been laying on your back in the presence of a woman was the time Cassandra's boyfriend knocked you out for grabbing her ass repeatedly throughout the night. And the only argument you seem to be able to make for Rachel Nichols is that she is pretty much insane and we both know that I can visit any bar in town and find an insane chick. Erin Andrews is a tall, intelligent and beautiful blonde that works harder than Rachel has to think when reporting her stories...and that is pretty hard (no pun intended). Any guy would give his left testicle to end up laying next to Erin at the end of the night and would be prouder than a young boy after his first makeout session to bring such a prize home to the parents. Erin Andrews can do no wrong my friend.

Bangers : Man, I don't know about you, but I am not down for giving up any of my two precious testicles for any woman. What is wrong with you? And with Rachel Nichols, I wouldn't have to even though she gives off an aura of sexiness unmatched by most human beings. In fact, the way Rachel Nichols says ESPN was so provocative and arousing that they changed her sign off and now they won't allow her to say the company name. That's what a Disney owned company would do to stop men from walking around with pitched tents after watching SportsCenter. They won't let her say ESPN man, it's a tragedy I tell you! I wake up early every morning just so I can see her say the sensuous phrase, and every single day I live in disappointment because of that crappy network.

Mash : I don't think they won't let her say the phrase because it was too sexy my friend. I think she had a problem forming that many letters into a cohesive sound and it was creeping out the viewers. There were even complaints that dogs were covering their ears and whimpering after she signed off. And why would the network prevent someone from doing something that was so appealing to men. I mean, isn't that why they hire all these drop-dead gorgeous women to report the news and conduct interviews. Why do you think you never see any guys on the field interviewing the players after the game? Exactly. Erin Andrews is the best at what she does and she looks the best at doing it.

Bangers : Don't get me wrong, Erin is a very attractive woman. Especially if you're into those cookie cutter blonde types, but then again I see women exactly like her everyday at Publix. Not impressed man. It's like the missionary position. Sure it gets the job done, but it sure is boring.

Mash : Miss andrews can force me into any position she wants and I wouldn't complain one bit. And the most intriguing aspect of all about Erin is that she is a Florida Gator. BAM!!!! That makes her a perfect ten my friend, and I know that you can't argue that one.

Sean : Who said a perfect ten?!?!? OOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

Bangers : Oh no, Sean is naked again!!!!

Mash : Crap, get the bill! We gotta go man!

Category: General
Posted on: January 27, 2009 11:31 pm
Edited on: January 28, 2009 1:13 pm
 

Does it really matter?

Bangers : Hey Mash, did you have a good time at the National Championship Game?

Mash : Well obviously, but I had a bit more to drink than expected and missed a few key plays in the game after I found myself staring at the cheerleaders. I just couldn't help it man. It didn't matter if they were from Oklahoma or Florida, they were all more gorgeous than I remember girls being from college being. Man, If I got stuck in an elevator with the Florida Gators cheerleading squad, I think I would be so excited that I would pass out once any of them asked me a simple question.

Bangers : Well first of all, we all know you don't have much to give and if you did, I can't imagine anyone that would be willing to take it. And the reason you can't remember any girls from college is because you couldn't hold your liquor and usually spent the night puking behind a dumpster instead of checking out girls in the creepy manner you do now. Normally, I wouldn't blame you for staring at young ladies with short skirts throughout a football game, but you spent like $500 on a ticket for that game, how do you not pay attention to the actual game? Plus, if you were going to choose a game to waste money on, you might as well make it an NFL game where the cheerleaders are way hotter.

Mash : Bangers, seriously?! You aren't really going to argue that cheerleaders in the NFL are hotter than cheerleaders in college football. When someone says the word cheerleader, what is the first thought that pops into your head? OK, ya, i know, the answer is high school cheerleaders, but we aren't that pathetic, so what is the second thought? Exactly! College cheerleaders. Everyone knows NFL cheerleaders are just out there to be seen and hopefully start a modeling career, while the college girls are loyal to their school, actually care whether or not their team wins, and will more than likely end up taking a funnel at some party after the game. You won't see that after any professional games.

Bangers : Who really cares about loyalty, team spirit, honor and all that useless crap. Although, I will give you credit for the whole idea of a scantily clad college girl kneeling down for a funnel, but that is besides the point. All it really comes down to is the fact that NFL cheerleaders are women, not girls. They have way more experience than any school girl when it comes to the category that really matters, and they have a lot less issues to deal with. A home-sick school girl is a lot more likely to expect cuddling after the "first date" or worse yet, she may end up waking up in the middle of the night to puke on your carpet after you challenged her to that seventh Jaeger Bomb! But I know you have never been with a real woman before, so I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Mash : Oh please! Just because you dream about being with real women every night doesn't make you experienced. Plus, college cheerleaders actually do more than lift pom-poms up and down and scream when their team does something. Most of them have gymnastics backgrounds and have participated in cheering competitions in high school which makes them way more flexible than any girl you have fantasized about. In order to make the team, the girls have to be capable of performing back flips and all that triple-hand spring twist stuff that I don't know all the terminology for. It's not just about looking sexy in a skirt and a push-up bra.

Bangers : Yes, most cheerleaders for professional teams may not know what NFL stands for, but how many times have you heard me say, "Man, look at the brain on that one." And, the only reason the college cheerleaders are doing anything is because a bunch of dudes are holding them in the air and looking up their skirt. The only thing those guys are really doing is ruining the view. I mean, who really wants to look down at a beautiful girl only to see some other dude lucky enough to be in perfect position to tell you the print on her underwear? And not to mention that the male cheerleader probably wouldn't know what to do if he was lucky enough to end up alone with his partner at the end of the night, which just makes the whole situation even more frustrating. It's like watching a guy in a pie eating contest with no mouth.

Mash : That may be the worst analogy I have ever heard. It makes absolutely no sense, yet since it is coming from you it's not surprising and sadly enough, it's not the stupidest comment you have ever made. And we all know you have enough trouble removing your own underwear, let alone a woman's that would obviously be intoxicated if she agreed to spend time with you.

Bangers : Man, that was kind of harsh. I feel somewhat insufficient and I think that was a tear tha just fell down my face. Why do you always cross the line man? You know how sensitive I can be when the bar is out of Guinness.

Mash : I'm sorry man. I'll try and be a bit more sensitive next time. Let's hug it out!

Trixie : Are you boys confusing pie and women again? I told you not to address confusing topics when Bangers doesn't get his daily pint of Guinness. What will make you feel better Bangers?

Bangers and Mash : Double shot of Jaeger please!

 

Category: General
Posted on: January 20, 2009 8:35 pm
Edited on: January 21, 2009 12:30 pm
 

Pretty, hot and talented

Mash : Hey Bangers, who do you think the hottest athlete is?

Bangers : Sam Cassell, hands down!

Mash : Ummmm, what?

Bangers : I said Sam Cassell, did I stutter?

Mash : Are you out of your freaking mind? Do you understand what I am asking you? How is Sam Cassell the hottest athlete? Please shower me with you perverted knowledge.

Bangers : Oh, you said hottest athlete? I thought you said oddest alien!

Mash : Oh, well then, I suppose I can see where you got Sam Cassell from. Anyway, now that you have removed the aloofness from you ears, what is your real answer?

Bangers : I am going to introduce you to one of the most beautiful women in the world and her name is Leryn Franco . She is a javelin thrower and also just happens to be Miss Paraguay. Talk about a woman blessed in more ways than one that I would like to bless me in more ways than one.

Mash : I don't think I have ever heard of her and I will give you the fact that she sounds as though she would instantly make my nipples hard, but I am not quite sure I could trust a woman that throws a long pole with a sharp pointed edge at the end for a living. I mean, I would be scared to disagree with anything she says. All she would have to do is point her javelin at me and I would instantly become her do-boy. I'll tell you who the hottest female athlete is. It is Ashley Force ! She represents what every American man is looking for. And yes I am aware that Danica Patrick is also easy on the eyes and is involved in racing, but she pouts more than a five-year old girl who didn't receive a pony on Christmas.

Bangers : Man, I thought you would have said David Beckham after you wouldn't stop talking about him last week.

Mash : Shut up man! I'm sorry, but I have a thing for accents and tattoos and occasionally I get a bit confused.

Bangers : Yes Mash, we are all aware of that. And I am not so sure a funny car driver can be considered an athlete, but I know you have problems with certain concepts, so I will give you a break on this one. And I will agree with you that she is cute, but you are comparing a girl that has become popular from riding the coat tails of her father to one of the most successful women in the world. And I think you are looking at the whole javelin angle the wrong way. Just imagine the possibilities of a woman who practices relentlessly every day with a long powerful rod which she probably thrusts through the air hundreds of times a day. And how do you know Ashley Force is even hot? She is always wearing that fire resistant suit that reveals absolutely nothing.

Mash : Ashley Force actually has to wear that fire resistant suit everywhere she goes because she is so smokin' hot that everyone is afraid she may spontaneously catch on fire. Plus, who cares if she is wearing that thing all the time. Do you know how easy it is to take one of those things off. It's just one big zipper and then bam! Instant gratification!

Bangers : Hahahahaha! The only thing instant that you would get from Ashley Force is rejection and if it was the luckiest day in your life, maybe mashed potatoes. And if you want to argue about attire, their is no possible way you could argue that a flame retardant jump suit is sexier than skin-tight shorts that are cut off below the ass and a skin-tight top that outlines nipples and accentuates a perfect stomach. Man I am getting all worked up, I need to take a shot break.

Mash : Look at you! You are a wreck. You can't even describe her without getting tired. I actually think I just saw your lip quiver when you said the word nipple. You can't even think about a gorgeous woman with clothes on without losing your breath and you want to make comments about getting with a girl that is in better shape than 99 percent of people world wide. Now, I am not saying that I could keep up with most female athletes, but mine sits in a car for less than ten seconds for her sport.

Bangers : Well we all know that a woman that is satisfied after ten seconds is right up your alley, so maybe she would be perfect for you, except for one thing, she is actually successful.

Mash : That is real clever coming from the guy that has to take naps in between shots! But seriously, what man wouldn't want a drop-dead gorgeous woman that actually conducts herself like a professional and has made a living driving cars fast....very, very fast. Not only would she not give me a hard time about speeding, spending unnecessary money on a car or spending all day detailing a car, but she would be my special assistant, helping me with any problems I may have. And yes, she would be wearing her fire resistant suit!

Bangers : OK, first of all there is a difference between taking a nap and blacking out and seriously Mash, you couldn't tell the difference between the engine and the battery. My three-year old niece knows more about cars than you do. And why would I want a woman bothering me when I was doing something for the sole purpose of relaxing by myself. And I can guarantee you that a javelin thrower will stay in shape much longer than a girl that sits in a car and presses that gas pedal for ten seconds to help move a vehicle created by all men.

Trixie : Would ya'll stop making fun of each other, order a shot and hug it out. I'm getting a headache from listening to you cry!

Bangers and Mash : Shots of Patron please.

Category: General
Posted on: January 14, 2009 12:23 am
Edited on: January 14, 2009 11:14 am
 

Beauty and the Daly

Mash: Hey Bangers, did you hear what John Daly got in trouble for a few weeks ago.

Bangers: No, what?

Mash: The man teed off at a pro-am tournament using a beer can as a tee. How awesome is that?

Bangers
: What, he got in trouble for that? Why would he get in trouble for something so creative? I mean after you drink the beer, the can just goes to waste, I think all the golfers should use them as tees. He should be given the Nobel Peace Prize for attempting to make the earth a cleaner place. What is wrong with people nowadays?

Mash
: I don't know man, but I do know that there is no other living being on the planet that I would rather play golf with than John Daly. He would be like free entertainment during a round of golf.

Bangers: Whoa now! Let's review what you just said. Nobody but John Daly? I mean he's an over weight drunk that hits the crap out of the ball and couldn't chip a ball out of the rough with a shovel. Look around the bar man, the person I just described is everywhere! I mean if you were going to go with a male figure, Tiger Woods would make more sense to me, but how could you not want to play golf with Natalie Gulbis. She's hotter than the first tee of summer round of golf at an Arizona course.

Mash: Even though I'm not quite sure how hot that is, I can't deny the fact that I most certainly enjoy looking at Natalie Gulbis. However, if I wanted to stare at a woman I have no chance with all day, I would go to Cheetah or Spearmint Rhino. Plus, I'm sure I would have no chance of concentrating on hitting the ball let alone remembering where my clubs were if I was following her around all day. I'm not going to let some blonde bombshell ruin a perfectly good day of golf. I would probably hit so many shots in the water that I would end up spending more money on balls than I would for the round of golf.

Bangers: Man, you sound like a guy that has never been with a woman before. And what is wrong with you? There is never a point in time where you should not want a drop-dead-gorgeous woman around you all day long. Don't force me to make that call and get your man card revoked again. Last time you made that comment about Brad Pitt in Troy, it took you four months to get that thing back.

Mash: Hey, that was a confusing time in my life. Don't judge me! And John Daly is not just any ordinary drunk, he is unquestionably an American icon that has found a way to create a cult following despite doing everything possible to destroy his god given abilities. Not only does he not even try to improve his game, he involves himself in activities that he knows are detrimental to his career. And you know what, he is still better than 99 percent of people that play golf. The American people eat this kind of stuff up and I might as well be their leader. Who doesn't like a self-depracating athlete that could care less about reaching their full potential because the allures of the world's temptations are too much to deny. I mean who wants to hang out with someone that is a better person than them all day long? Why do you think people watch Cheaters and Intervention? People love seeing other people that are worse off than them. It's what builds self esteem.

Bangers: I mean, I'm always up for watching the failures of others, but what you just said is pretty messed up man. You are seriously missing something important in your head. Your mother obviously didn't hug you enough when you were a child. Anyway, not only is Natalie a really great golfer, but she has more curves than Barry Zito's pitch count ,and I would have no problem with her owning me like Mr. Zito's opponents usually own him. I honestly wouldn't mind dying after taking a golf ball to the head struck by Natalie Gulbis as long as she bent down over me to physically show me her deepest apologies in the final seconds of my life. She just makes me want to cry sometimes, but I haven't figured out if they are tears of joy or sadness.

Mash: And you think I'm messed up? You have some issues that I don't even think your therapist can help you with anymore. As a matter of fact, I don't think you could fall asleep at night without crying if it weren't for hard liquor. Speaking of alcohol, I bet John Daly can down about 24 beers through an entire round of golf and still shoot under par. Now what is more impressive than that. As far as I'm concerned he has to be considered as one of the great wonders of the world. Watching John Daly shoot under par while he is heavily intoxicated is like watching an eagle soar through the sky in search of it's prey or witnessing a cheetah chase down dinner with the grace of a runway model. These are things only a few people ever get to witness and I would be grateful to be one of those chosen people. And you know he is going to end up taking off his shirt at some point to pose for pictures, which just makes me look even better to any of the lovely female golfers that may be in the area.

Bangers: Hahahaha. This is just to easy. You just said you are hoping John Daly takes his shirt off. Let's compare what each of us would get to see if their golf partner took of their shirt. You would get to see the equivalent of a Thanksgiving Turkey before it enters the oven. I would get to see.....hold on....I'm sorry, I'm tearing up again....give me a sec....ok, I'm good to go now....I would get to see....Awesomeness in its purest form.

Trixie: Are you crying again Bangers? Ya'll need to stop talking about unattainable women! Here's a shot of Bushmills. I know that will make you feel better.

Bangers and Mash: Make that a double!
Category: General
Posted on: January 7, 2009 1:50 am
Edited on: January 7, 2009 12:18 pm
 

Who care's if she isn't real

Mash: Hey, Bangers, did you see Who Framed Roger Rabbit was on TV the other night.

Bangers: Damn, no I missed that, but I would have loved to have seen the lovely Jessica Rabbit in HD.

Mash: Ya, she is probably one of the hottest cartoon characters ever behind Striperella.

Bangers: I'm sorry, what did you just say?

Mash: What? They are both hot but I would have to go with Striperella.

Bangers: So what you are telling me is that Jessica Rabbit isn't real. Oh man, this changes everything. My soul suddenly feels desperately and hopelessly alone!

Mash: Are you kidding me? You actually thought she was a real person. This explains a lot about your childhood. Well I guess if I asked you who you thought was the hottest cartoon character ever, you would say Jessica Rabbit.

Bangers: What? I'm sorry but the graphics used back in the day were ground breaking and it's difficult for a young boy to distinguish between the two when he is already going through a confusing time in his life. Whatever, this isn't even a fair argument as Jessica Rabbit is in a category of her own. There are super models, real people, Jessica Rabbit and then cartoons. Good luck with this one!

Mash:
I am not going to dispute that Jessica Rabbit was hot...when I was nine years old. There is a reason we don't dress the same as we did in the 80's, and that's because people have come to their senses after realizing how foolish we looked. Well, it's the same with Jessica Rabbit, she represents what used to be sexy, while Striperella provides us with the substance we crave in our cartoons.

Bangers: You can't be serious. She is a stripper! That is like cheating. Why don't you come up with a more creative answer than just choosing what was a pathetic attempt at creating an attention-grabbing cartoon. Jessica Rabbit, if she isn't real, was a creation introduced before her time and I don't think everyone really comprehends the impact she had on the sexual evolution of every young boy. She is the sole reason that we as a male species find red heads attractive. Before her cinematic introduction to an unprepared audience, red heads were shunned, thought of as nothing more than the uninteresting girls next door. And now, red heads are the protected endangered species of every man's sexual fantasy. Show me any actress, let alone a "so called" cartoon character than has had such an impact. Striperella has only followed the now unimaginative male norm that is only good for luring male athletes into making it rain.

Mash: You do realize that not one thought in your rant actually made sense to any person other than your imaginary friend. Striperella represents what Jessica Rabbit was unable to do. Not only does Pamela Anderson (probably THE sex icon of our generation) provide the voice for Striperella, but the animated series was actually created as a family show....well for the highly sophisticated family, and that is exactly my point. Striperella provides a show for father's to enjoy with their children without looking up at the clock and wondering when reruns of Married with Children are coming on. Not only is my selection just as sexy if not sexier than the voice behind her, but she brings families together.

Bangers: That is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. You find a woman that is going to let her children and their father sit down and watch Striperella and I will show you my future ex wife! Jessica Rabbit was sexy without even trying...I mean her love interest was a freakin' rabbit for crying out loud. Even though her body was slammin', you could just look at her mugshot and she would make you want to sell your soul to the devil just to become a cartoon character for one day. If you did the same with Striperella, she would just look like any other blonde bombshell that the media has saturated the minds of our young, up-and-coming studs with. Ask any man who understands the importance of passion and uncontrollable emotions and he will agree with me on this issue. Striperella represents the dime-a-dozen, over sexed drone that any moron could find on the internet, while Miss Rabbit represents the girl that every guy dreams about meeting and hopefully conquering in his lifetime.

Mash: What could possibly be better than a woman that entertains during the day and saves the world at night...or would that be the other way around? I guess you could say she is a stripper by night and a superhero by even later at night, like when everyone who shouldn't be driving is making their way to Taco Bell. I know I wouldn't want anyone but Striperella looking after me in a time like that.

Bangers: Wow! Did you really just say that? I will never be getting a ride with you again.

Trixie: Well ya'll might as well get another round because after listening to this conversation, I'm getting both of you a cab ride home!

Bangers and Mash: Maker's Mark on the rocks please!
Category: General
Posted on: December 31, 2008 3:07 am
Edited on: December 31, 2008 1:32 pm
 

Beautiful Bullies

Mash: Hey Bangers, have you ever had your ass kicked by a chick?

Bangers: Well ya, but it shouldn't count. I drank a whole bottle of scotch and then tried to sober up by drinking a bottle of water, only i was so intoxicated, I was unable to realize the water was actually vodka. At that point my bedroom door could have knocked me out.

Mash: Wow, I'm not quite sure that if that is the funniest or saddest story I have ever heard. Anyway, if you could choose any woman to kick the ever living crap out of you, who would you choose?

Bangers: Oh man! Not only do I instantly know the answer to that, but I suddenly have painfully glorious thoughts floating around in my head. Gina Carano!

Mash: Oh ya, that Gladiator girl who is an MMA fighter. That's not a bad choice for someone with worst taste than a colorblind bachelor from the 70's, but I am going to have to take the glorious Stacy Keibler.

Bangers: C'mon man! Gina Carano is 5'8 and 140 pounds of pure badass hotness. She's got a 6-0 MMA record, a 12-1-1 Muy Thai record, where she is embarrassing competitors in their own sport.

Mash: Wouldn't that be one of the reasons not to choose her. I said pick a girl to beat your ass, not send you to the hospital in a body bag. Stacy Keibler can't weigh more than 120 pounds in an outfit made of pure gold and she is best known for wrapping her stems around opponents. The worst that happens to me is that I get choked out and sent to the hospital with wonderful dreams.

Bangers: I'm not looking for a powder puff fight buddy. At least with Carano, I know she will present a challenge for me. As a matter of fact, I'd let her Thai Clench me all she wants and she could even throw in a couple knees to the torso hopefully landing me on top of her, where my face would be squeezed safely between her two well conditioned breasts. And just as soon as I get one of my ribs broken, i'll take the fight to the canvas and grapple with her until she gets me into some type of submission involving my face tightly grasped between her thighs. I will then promptly break out of it because I'm bigger and potentially stronger, and since I'll be sweating like a pig on a spit, I'll be very slippery. But more than likely, I will end up passing out, in which case the fight would be stopped and I would be left with one of the greatest memories of my life.

Mash: Whoa there big guy! I'm going to need you to calm down before you start hyperventilating again like that time in the beer section of Wine Spirits. It doesn't surprise me that you have put a lot of thought into this subject before tonight and it also doesn't surprise me that you obviously have major emotional problems as you seem to be missing the point of this idea.

Bangers: Dude, what is up with....

Mash: I'm not done! Stacy Keibler's legs were the reason high heels and mini skirts were invented. And not to make hers look any better, mostly because that is impossible, but to make the rest of the female population feel as though they too, can have legs that look 1/16 as good.

Bangers: You can take your Stacy Keibler, but just realize, you're getting your ass beat by a dancer. It's like going to the strip club and getting the "rough" one. I'll give you the fact that she's gorgeous, however, isn't the point of this argument to have some sporting chance at victory or defeat?

Mash: Hahahaha. I hate to break it to you, but Stacy Keibler could still kick your ass with no formal training in any style of fighting. Which leads me to believe that Gina Carano is going to mess you up pretty badly.

Bangers: I have no doubt I'll sustain permanent damage, but I hurt myself all the time. At least now it will be at the hands of the hottest woman in all of contact sports. What's Keibler going to do? Fake a chair smash to your skull? Granted, with your luck, she'll connect and you'll be moving your wheelchair through a straw for the rest of your life. At least I'll have a referee there to stop my fight when I go limp and start twitching.

Mash: Oh no, she would never have the opportunity to pick up a chair as I would quickly allow her to get a hold of me without putting up much of a fight. I challenge you to think of a better way to die than being strangled by the greatest weapon in wrestling, Stacy Keibler's beyond perfect legs.

Bangers: I thought you said you didn't want to die and instead you were just hoping to get roughed up a bit.

Mash: Well if I had a chance to go out like that, I don't think it would be an opportunity that I could pass on. I mean that is a once in a life-time situation than any man would be lucky enough to encounter as his last living memory.

Trixie: If you guys don't stop arguing about some silly fantasy and start ordering some shots, I'm going to personally make my face both of your last living memories.

Mash and Bangers: Shots please!
Category: General
Posted on: December 24, 2008 12:15 am
Edited on: December 24, 2008 1:45 pm
 

The Heisman Peace Award

Mash: Can you believe Sam Bradford won the Heisman Trophy? I thought Tebow was going to come away with his second award and cement his place in bad-ass history.

Bangers: Well, the Sooners did score more than 700 points this season, but I'm just glad it's over. I was tired of hearing about the damn thing.

Mash: What? The Heisman Trophy is the most prestigious award in...well, the whole world.

Bangers: Whoa! Calm down there turbo. I don't think Tebow wants that mini banana popping out of your pants rubbing on his trophy! And, there is definitely no award more prestigious than the Nobel Peace Prize.

Mash: Seriously, there is probably no award more over exaggerated and politically driven than that crappy thing. You don't even get an actual trophy for it, and I have no doubt in my mind that you couldn't name this year's winner, let alone the past five.

Bangers: Oh like you can name the past five Heisman Trophy winners. You couldn't even tell me what beers you drank tonight, and I believe you have only had three, you no talent ass-clown.

Mash: OK, first of all, stop quoting movies to get your point across even though I know the only thing worthwhile in your skull are movie quotes and obscure beers, and second of all, who can't name the past five Heisman winners? Sam Bradford, Tim Tebow, Troy Smith, Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, Jason White, Carson Palmer, ummmmm......Eric Crouch, Chris Weinke, Ron Dayne.....

Bangers: OK, please stop before you make me smash this beer bottle over your head and waste a perfectly good beer. You have major problems, and I think you should make another appointment with your psychiatrist to discuss alternative hobbies. I would feel much more comfortable if you could spout off the past ten Playboy Playmates of the Year instead of male athletes five years younger than you.

Mash: You're just upset that you don't even know what conference Sam Bradford plays in. Tell me one advantage that winning the Nobel Peace Price brings you in any normal social setting.

Bangers: Dude, seriously? C'mon, the Nobel Peace Prize is just code word for dime-piece magnet. "Baby, if I can make everyone's life better, I can most certainly make your night better."

Mash: OK, if that cheesy ass line didn't get you shot down quicker than Larry Flynt at a women's rights convention, then it might just guarantee you an overnight stay at the hospital. There can't possibly be a better pick-up-line than, "Would you like to touch my Heisman Trophy? Don't be shy, that's just a stiff-arm."

Bangers: I would bet my entire bank account you couldn't say that without getting your face bashed in quicker than one of Mike Tyson's opponent from the 90's.

Mash: Why don't you give me an actual argument why the Nobel Peace prize is more prestigious instead of constantly making fun of someone half your size.

Bangers: Sure thing mini-mash! When I win the Nobel Peace prize, my name will go down with the likes of Teddy Roosevelt, Jane Adams, Martin Luther King Jr., Henry Kissinger, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela and Al Gore. No matter what I did for the rest of my life, I would be forever known as one of the most influential people in the history of our planet.


Mash: Oh really, and what category are you going to win your award in? Most international beers drank in one sitting. I don't think drinking a beer from every country in the world is going to bring the world closer together.

Bangers:
Although that sounds like an excellent idea, it's not part of my master plan, which includes getting my mug on the cover of Time magazine in one year and winning the award in two. I'm actually going to need your help on this one as we are going to give each other extended man hugs on the mound before every kickball game, followed by a hug for every person we see after that moment, whether we know them or not. Before you know it, we will be known as the two masterminds behind a hugging epidemic sweeping across the nation and ending the possibility of war for the existence of mankind.

Mash: That may honestly be the stupidest thing I have ever heard and you should hear some of the things I think of. And if you try and hug me, I swear I will shove the beer bottle so far up your forbidden region that you'll be able to tell me what I had for dinner last week.

Bangers: C'mon man, why all the hostility? You know you want to give me a hug?

Mash: OK, maybe sometimes when I drink too much Tequila, but nobody needs to know that.

Trixie: Why are y'all talkin' about man huggin'

Bangers and Mash: What? ummm.....Double shot of Jack please!!!!
Category: General
 
 
 
 
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