DelusionalB

Mash : Hey Bangers, you wanna Fanta?

Bangers : What in the world did you just say to me? You know I am not into that freaky stuff, especially with your ugly ass.

Mash : No dude, do you want a Fanta? It's a drink.

Bangers : Oh, well is there any alcohol in it?

Mash : No, but...

Bangers : Well then why would I want one and why do you even have one. In case you didn't notice we are in a bar. People come here to get away from fruity crap like that and hide from their problems Mash.

Mash : Yes, I know, but the Fantanas were handing out free Fantas before I walked in and you know how I feel about passing on things that are free.

Bangers : You mean ike Brian Fantana from Anchor Man?

Mash : Well, no, not your idol. The Fantanas are the Fanta girls. You know, the girls that dance around in vividly colored tight fitting outfits and sing 'Don't you wanna Fanta Fanta?'

Bangers : Oh yaaaaa! That red one is hotter than an iron in a frying pan!

Mash : Um, maybe if neither one is turned on. Red? Strawberry? Seriously? Yes, the girl who represents that flavor isn't bad and her name is K.D. Aubert, but nobody likes strawberry soda. I mean, do you know anyone that would willingly buy and drink strawberry soda? Purple is where it's at man. I would drink grape soda until I puked to get lost in a bedroom with Andrea De Oliveira. Although hopefully that would be on a different day than when I was puking.

Bangers : OK, I have no idea why you know these girls'names super stalker, but do you think I really care what the damn soda tastes like. I didn't even know this crap existed before today. I guarantee you that all the flavors taste like a mix between cough syrup and soda water which is why this company had to hire four half naked women to support its product. Have you ever seen Jack Daniels include women in its commercials? No! You know why? Becasue Jack sells itself. They show the bottle, pour it out into a cup with perfect ice cubes, and helpless people like me go out and buy it...over and over again. I'm already drooling by the time the commercial is half over so I don't need some chick to heighten my senses at that point.

Mash : Bangers, we are talking about drop dead gorgeious women in colorful outfits missing more material than Jo-Ann Fabrics during a sale and you are talking about Jack Daniels. Can't you forget about liquor for a few minutes and focus on the topic at hand. Besides a fashion show where the women are a good three inches taller than every man alive and wouldn't talk to you even if your mouth dispensed hundred dollar bills, where are you going to see a seductive temptress in a tight bright purple getup with white lace heels halfway up her legs? OK well maybe in the movies that you are hiding under your bed, but those women aren't real Bangers.

Bangers : Since when do I care what color clothing women are wearing. I can't even remember what color hair or eyes they have, let alone what color their dress is, which might I add will eventually becoming off at some part of the day anyway so what does it matter. And before you come back at me, I'm not saying that I will end up taking it off at the end of the day, I am just saying that it's coming off one way or another. That's how you gotta do it Mash, just realize that every girl you talk to througout the day will be naked at some point. That way you aren't intimidated. There is just a small layer of cloth between you and glory.

Mash : Triiiiixie! Trixie! What is he drinking? Ya, Bangers, what did you give him?

Trixie : It's just a Black Velvet hunny? Why?

Mash : He's delusional. He's talking about his command-and-conquer theory on women again. I think you put too much Pernot in his drink. Just give him a Guiness next time or he will end up humping the night pole at the end of the night and talking about his glory days in 'Nam even though he couldn't even locate it on a map if he actually was able to read. Bangers! We are talking about the Fantanas! Not naked women walking around the bar! Remember, you said the red one was hot even though nobody drinks Strawberry soda anyway.

Bangers : Ya man, I already said that. And think about it, if Strawberry soda was the grossest one, wouldn't they assign the hottest girl to represent the drink nobody wants. I mean everyone knows strawberry and soda don't mix very well, but everyone also knows that beautiful women and buying products that you never plan on using or don't even like mix extremely well. I can't tell you how many bras I own because of Marissa Miller. I must have spend 300 dollars at Victoria's Secret after the Victoria Secret Angel Fashion Show.

Mash : Ya, but you actually use those products. And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not an angel and never will be no matter how much make up you put on or how big your wings look in that mirror you keep talking to. That thing is never going to tell you that you are pretty!

Bangers : Hey man! What the...that is private stuff. You aren't supposed to know about that, let alone be talking about it in public! You don't need to get personal just because you have a horrible taste in woman and aren't intelligent enough to defend yourself.

Mash : Well then next time close your door. And I don't need to defend myself when I am arguing with you or representing someone as beautiful as Andea De Oliveira. She has that look like she would seduce you, steal your wallet and then feel bad about it, only to return in and seduce you again. I mean, what more could you ask for from a woman than that. And we all know that companies protect their best products, which for Fanta is the purple drink. So it only makes sense to assign the most appealing woman to the most appealing soda. You have a lot to learn Bangers. You know they offer business classes online now right? Maybe you can collect enough aluminum cans to afford one?

Bangers : Take your stupid college degree and shove it up your...'hiicuppp!' Damn Black velvets! You know for someone that went to a major party school, you sure do handle your liquor worse than A-Fraud handles a bat in the playoffs. Why don't you learn to drink something besides American Beer like....'hiccuuuup!' Oh man, the room is spinning again. Where is 5 Stacks?

Mash : He's over there passed out on the floor again!

Bangers : What? Oh no, he's tossed his cookies all over himself again. Grab the check, we gotta go!
 

Mash : Hey Bangers, do you ever pay attention the the female reporters on TV.

Bangers : Dude, I pay attention to every woman I see.

Mash : Well, I think Erin Andrews needs to be informed that I am perfect for her.

Bangers : Dude, the only thing you are perfect for is a self-help book and Erin Andrews isn't all that bad, but Rachel Nichols is where it's at man.

Mash : Seriously, Rachel Nichols? She looks like a 12-year-old girl that got her hair dyed for a themed circus party that she wasn't even invited to.

Bangers : Every time I see Rachel Nichols on television, I can't help but think what I would do just to change spots with her microphone. I know it would be a bit uncomfortable for her in the middle of her reporting, but it sure would make my day.

Mash : What are you even talking about. How can you become a microphone? But I will tell you that if Erin Andrews jumped off a bridge, I wouldn't hesitate to follow in her foot steps in an attempt to cushion her fall. And yes, I realize that I would end up dying, but it would be for the greater good of all man kind as it would be a true tragedy if men around the world couldn't continue fantasizing about one of the most talented women in the world.

Bangers : That might actually be the downright stupidest thing you have ever said. Erin Andrews is a prissy sorority chick anyway. She'll make you wait 'til her toe nails dry before she'll let you touch her thigh. Rachel would smash the toenail polish bottle and use the glass to carve love marks into your chest while she takes full advantage of her 'reporting' skills, if you know what I mean. And it's not like you'd have a shot with her anyways, she's 5'10". So she's got a good solid six inches on you and you know chicks don't dig guys shorter than they are.

Mash : If you want to take the low road and make fun of my height, I think there would be the same problem for you but on the other end of the spectrum. Rachel Nichols wouldn't be tall enough to massage your thigh if she was on Manute Bol's shoulders and he was standing on a bar stool. Someone told me that the camera man has to set the camera on the ground just so they can fit her in the picture.

Bangers : You have a lot to learn my friend. There is no such thing as a woman that is too small when I am laying on my back.

Mash : The only time you have ever been laying on your back in the presence of a woman was the time Cassandra's boyfriend knocked you out for grabbing her ass repeatedly throughout the night. And the only argument you seem to be able to make for Rachel Nichols is that she is pretty much insane and we both know that I can visit any bar in town and find an insane chick. Erin Andrews is a tall, intelligent and beautiful blonde that works harder than Rachel has to think when reporting her stories...and that is pretty hard (no pun intended). Any guy would give his left testicle to end up laying next to Erin at the end of the night and would be prouder than a young boy after his first makeout session to bring such a prize home to the parents. Erin Andrews can do no wrong my friend.

Bangers : Man, I don't know about you, but I am not down for giving up any of my two precious testicles for any woman. What is wrong with you? And with Rachel Nichols, I wouldn't have to even though she gives off an aura of sexiness unmatched by most human beings. In fact, the way Rachel Nichols says ESPN was so provocative and arousing that they changed her sign off and now they won't allow her to say the company name. That's what a Disney owned company would do to stop men from walking around with pitched tents after watching SportsCenter. They won't let her say ESPN man, it's a tragedy I tell you! I wake up early every morning just so I can see her say the sensuous phrase, and every single day I live in disappointment because of that crappy network.

Mash : I don't think they won't let her say the phrase because it was too sexy my friend. I think she had a problem forming that many letters into a cohesive sound and it was creeping out the viewers. There were even complaints that dogs were covering their ears and whimpering after she signed off. And why would the network prevent someone from doing something that was so appealing to men. I mean, isn't that why they hire all these drop-dead gorgeous women to report the news and conduct interviews. Why do you think you never see any guys on the field interviewing the players after the game? Exactly. Erin Andrews is the best at what she does and she looks the best at doing it.

Bangers : Don't get me wrong, Erin is a very attractive woman. Especially if you're into those cookie cutter blonde types, but then again I see women exactly like her everyday at Publix. Not impressed man. It's like the missionary position. Sure it gets the job done, but it sure is boring.

Mash : Miss andrews can force me into any position she wants and I wouldn't complain one bit. And the most intriguing aspect of all about Erin is that she is a Florida Gator. BAM!!!! That makes her a perfect ten my friend, and I know that you can't argue that one.

Sean : Who said a perfect ten?!?!? OOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

Bangers : Oh no, Sean is naked again!!!!

Mash : Crap, get the bill! We gotta go man!

Bangers : Hey Mash, did you have a good time at the National Championship Game?

Mash : Well obviously, but I had a bit more to drink than expected and missed a few key plays in the game after I found myself staring at the cheerleaders. I just couldn't help it man. It didn't matter if they were from Oklahoma or Florida, they were all more gorgeous than I remember girls being from college being. Man, If I got stuck in an elevator with the Florida Gators cheerleading squad, I think I would be so excited that I would pass out once any of them asked me a simple question.

Bangers : Well first of all, we all know you don't have much to give and if you did, I can't imagine anyone that would be willing to take it. And the reason you can't remember any girls from college is because you couldn't hold your liquor and usually spent the night puking behind a dumpster instead of checking out girls in the creepy manner you do now. Normally, I wouldn't blame you for staring at young ladies with short skirts throughout a football game, but you spent like $500 on a ticket for that game, how do you not pay attention to the actual game? Plus, if you were going to choose a game to waste money on, you might as well make it an NFL game where the cheerleaders are way hotter.

Mash : Bangers, seriously?! You aren't really going to argue that cheerleaders in the NFL are hotter than cheerleaders in college football. When someone says the word cheerleader, what is the first thought that pops into your head? OK, ya, i know, the answer is high school cheerleaders, but we aren't that pathetic, so what is the second thought? Exactly! College cheerleaders. Everyone knows NFL cheerleaders are just out there to be seen and hopefully start a modeling career, while the college girls are loyal to their school, actually care whether or not their team wins, and will more than likely end up taking a funnel at some party after the game. You won't see that after any professional games.

Bangers : Who really cares about loyalty, team spirit, honor and all that useless crap. Although, I will give you credit for the whole idea of a scantily clad college girl kneeling down for a funnel, but that is besides the point. All it really comes down to is the fact that NFL cheerleaders are women, not girls. They have way more experience than any school girl when it comes to the category that really matters, and they have a lot less issues to deal with. A home-sick school girl is a lot more likely to expect cuddling after the "first date" or worse yet, she may end up waking up in the middle of the night to puke on your carpet after you challenged her to that seventh Jaeger Bomb! But I know you have never been with a real woman before, so I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Mash : Oh please! Just because you dream about being with real women every night doesn't make you experienced. Plus, college cheerleaders actually do more than lift pom-poms up and down and scream when their team does something. Most of them have gymnastics backgrounds and have participated in cheering competitions in high school which makes them way more flexible than any girl you have fantasized about. In order to make the team, the girls have to be capable of performing back flips and all that triple-hand spring twist stuff that I don't know all the terminology for. It's not just about looking sexy in a skirt and a push-up bra.

Bangers : Yes, most cheerleaders for professional teams may not know what NFL stands for, but how many times have you heard me say, "Man, look at the brain on that one." And, the only reason the college cheerleaders are doing anything is because a bunch of dudes are holding them in the air and looking up their skirt. The only thing those guys are really doing is ruining the view. I mean, who really wants to look down at a beautiful girl only to see some other dude lucky enough to be in perfect position to tell you the print on her underwear? And not to mention that the male cheerleader probably wouldn't know what to do if he was lucky enough to end up alone with his partner at the end of the night, which just makes the whole situation even more frustrating. It's like watching a guy in a pie eating contest with no mouth.

Mash : That may be the worst analogy I have ever heard. It makes absolutely no sense, yet since it is coming from you it's not surprising and sadly enough, it's not the stupidest comment you have ever made. And we all know you have enough trouble removing your own underwear, let alone a woman's that would obviously be intoxicated if she agreed to spend time with you.

Bangers : Man, that was kind of harsh. I feel somewhat insufficient and I think that was a tear tha just fell down my face. Why do you always cross the line man? You know how sensitive I can be when the bar is out of Guinness.

Mash : I'm sorry man. I'll try and be a bit more sensitive next time. Let's hug it out!

Trixie : Are you boys confusing pie and women again? I told you not to address confusing topics when Bangers doesn't get his daily pint of Guinness. What will make you feel better Bangers?

Bangers and Mash : Double shot of Jaeger please!

Mash : Hey Bangers, who do you think the hottest athlete is?

Bangers : Sam Cassell, hands down!

Mash : Ummmm, what?

Bangers : I said Sam Cassell, did I stutter?

Mash : Are you out of your freaking mind? Do you understand what I am asking you? How is Sam Cassell the hottest athlete? Please shower me with you perverted knowledge.

Bangers : Oh, you said hottest athlete? I thought you said oddest alien!

Mash : Oh, well then, I suppose I can see where you got Sam Cassell from. Anyway, now that you have removed the aloofness from you ears, what is your real answer?

Bangers : I am going to introduce you to one of the most beautiful women in the world and her name is Leryn Franco . She is a javelin thrower and also just happens to be Miss Paraguay. Talk about a woman blessed in more ways than one that I would like to bless me in more ways than one.

Mash : I don't think I have ever heard of her and I will give you the fact that she sounds as though she would instantly make my nipples hard, but I am not quite sure I could trust a woman that throws a long pole with a sharp pointed edge at the end for a living. I mean, I would be scared to disagree with anything she says. All she would have to do is point her javelin at me and I would instantly become her do-boy. I'll tell you who the hottest female athlete is. It is Ashley Force ! She represents what every American man is looking for. And yes I am aware that Danica Patrick is also easy on the eyes and is involved in racing, but she pouts more than a five-year old girl who didn't receive a pony on Christmas.

Bangers : Man, I thought you would have said David Beckham after you wouldn't stop talking about him last week.

Mash : Shut up man! I'm sorry, but I have a thing for accents and tattoos and occasionally I get a bit confused.

Bangers : Yes Mash, we are all aware of that. And I am not so sure a funny car driver can be considered an athlete, but I know you have problems with certain concepts, so I will give you a break on this one. And I will agree with you that she is cute, but you are comparing a girl that has become popular from riding the coat tails of her father to one of the most successful women in the world. And I think you are looking at the whole javelin angle the wrong way. Just imagine the possibilities of a woman who practices relentlessly every day with a long powerful rod which she probably thrusts through the air hundreds of times a day. And how do you know Ashley Force is even hot? She is always wearing that fire resistant suit that reveals absolutely nothing.

Mash : Ashley Force actually has to wear that fire resistant suit everywhere she goes because she is so smokin' hot that everyone is afraid she may spontaneously catch on fire. Plus, who cares if she is wearing that thing all the time. Do you know how easy it is to take one of those things off. It's just one big zipper and then bam! Instant gratification!

Bangers : Hahahahaha! The only thing instant that you would get from Ashley Force is rejection and if it was the luckiest day in your life, maybe mashed potatoes. And if you want to argue about attire, their is no possible way you could argue that a flame retardant jump suit is sexier than skin-tight shorts that are cut off below the ass and a skin-tight top that outlines nipples and accentuates a perfect stomach. Man I am getting all worked up, I need to take a shot break.

Mash : Look at you! You are a wreck. You can't even describe her without getting tired. I actually think I just saw your lip quiver when you said the word nipple. You can't even think about a gorgeous woman with clothes on without losing your breath and you want to make comments about getting with a girl that is in better shape than 99 percent of people world wide. Now, I am not saying that I could keep up with most female athletes, but mine sits in a car for less than ten seconds for her sport.

Bangers : Well we all know that a woman that is satisfied after ten seconds is right up your alley, so maybe she would be perfect for you, except for one thing, she is actually successful.

Mash : That is real clever coming from the guy that has to take naps in between shots! But seriously, what man wouldn't want a drop-dead gorgeous woman that actually conducts herself like a professional and has made a living driving cars fast....very, very fast. Not only would she not give me a hard time about speeding, spending unnecessary money on a car or spending all day detailing a car, but she would be my special assistant, helping me with any problems I may have. And yes, she would be wearing her fire resistant suit!

Bangers : OK, first of all there is a difference between taking a nap and blacking out and seriously Mash, you couldn't tell the difference between the engine and the battery. My three-year old niece knows more about cars than you do. And why would I want a woman bothering me when I was doing something for the sole purpose of relaxing by myself. And I can guarantee you that a javelin thrower will stay in shape much longer than a girl that sits in a car and presses that gas pedal for ten seconds to help move a vehicle created by all men.

Trixie : Would ya'll stop making fun of each other, order a shot and hug it out. I'm getting a headache from listening to you cry!

Bangers and Mash : Shots of Patron please.