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Blog Entry

Fanta-bulous

Posted on: February 11, 2009 11:10 am
 

Mash : Hey Bangers, you wanna Fanta?

Bangers : What in the world did you just say to me? You know I am not into that freaky stuff, especially with your ugly ass.

Mash : No dude, do you want a Fanta? It's a drink.

Bangers : Oh, well is there any alcohol in it?

Mash : No, but...

Bangers : Well then why would I want one and why do you even have one. In case you didn't notice we are in a bar. People come here to get away from fruity crap like that and hide from their problems Mash.

Mash : Yes, I know, but the Fantanas were handing out free Fantas before I walked in and you know how I feel about passing on things that are free.

Bangers : You mean ike Brian Fantana from Anchor Man?

Mash : Well, no, not your idol. The Fantanas are the Fanta girls. You know, the girls that dance around in vividly colored tight fitting outfits and sing 'Don't you wanna Fanta Fanta?'

Bangers : Oh yaaaaa! That red one is hotter than an iron in a frying pan!

Mash : Um, maybe if neither one is turned on. Red? Strawberry? Seriously? Yes, the girl who represents that flavor isn't bad and her name is K.D. Aubert, but nobody likes strawberry soda. I mean, do you know anyone that would willingly buy and drink strawberry soda? Purple is where it's at man. I would drink grape soda until I puked to get lost in a bedroom with Andrea De Oliveira. Although hopefully that would be on a different day than when I was puking.

Bangers : OK, I have no idea why you know these girls'names super stalker, but do you think I really care what the damn soda tastes like. I didn't even know this crap existed before today. I guarantee you that all the flavors taste like a mix between cough syrup and soda water which is why this company had to hire four half naked women to support its product. Have you ever seen Jack Daniels include women in its commercials? No! You know why? Becasue Jack sells itself. They show the bottle, pour it out into a cup with perfect ice cubes, and helpless people like me go out and buy it...over and over again. I'm already drooling by the time the commercial is half over so I don't need some chick to heighten my senses at that point.

Mash : Bangers, we are talking about drop dead gorgeious women in colorful outfits missing more material than Jo-Ann Fabrics during a sale and you are talking about Jack Daniels. Can't you forget about liquor for a few minutes and focus on the topic at hand. Besides a fashion show where the women are a good three inches taller than every man alive and wouldn't talk to you even if your mouth dispensed hundred dollar bills, where are you going to see a seductive temptress in a tight bright purple getup with white lace heels halfway up her legs? OK well maybe in the movies that you are hiding under your bed, but those women aren't real Bangers.

Bangers : Since when do I care what color clothing women are wearing. I can't even remember what color hair or eyes they have, let alone what color their dress is, which might I add will eventually becoming off at some part of the day anyway so what does it matter. And before you come back at me, I'm not saying that I will end up taking it off at the end of the day, I am just saying that it's coming off one way or another. That's how you gotta do it Mash, just realize that every girl you talk to througout the day will be naked at some point. That way you aren't intimidated. There is just a small layer of cloth between you and glory.

Mash : Triiiiixie! Trixie! What is he drinking? Ya, Bangers, what did you give him?

Trixie : It's just a Black Velvet hunny? Why?

Mash : He's delusional. He's talking about his command-and-conquer theory on women again. I think you put too much Pernot in his drink. Just give him a Guiness next time or he will end up humping the night pole at the end of the night and talking about his glory days in 'Nam even though he couldn't even locate it on a map if he actually was able to read. Bangers! We are talking about the Fantanas! Not naked women walking around the bar! Remember, you said the red one was hot even though nobody drinks Strawberry soda anyway.

Bangers : Ya man, I already said that. And think about it, if Strawberry soda was the grossest one, wouldn't they assign the hottest girl to represent the drink nobody wants. I mean everyone knows strawberry and soda don't mix very well, but everyone also knows that beautiful women and buying products that you never plan on using or don't even like mix extremely well. I can't tell you how many bras I own because of Marissa Miller. I must have spend 300 dollars at Victoria's Secret after the Victoria Secret Angel Fashion Show.

Mash : Ya, but you actually use those products. And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not an angel and never will be no matter how much make up you put on or how big your wings look in that mirror you keep talking to. That thing is never going to tell you that you are pretty!

Bangers : Hey man! What the...that is private stuff. You aren't supposed to know about that, let alone be talking about it in public! You don't need to get personal just because you have a horrible taste in woman and aren't intelligent enough to defend yourself.

Mash : Well then next time close your door. And I don't need to defend myself when I am arguing with you or representing someone as beautiful as Andea De Oliveira. She has that look like she would seduce you, steal your wallet and then feel bad about it, only to return in and seduce you again. I mean, what more could you ask for from a woman than that. And we all know that companies protect their best products, which for Fanta is the purple drink. So it only makes sense to assign the most appealing woman to the most appealing soda. You have a lot to learn Bangers. You know they offer business classes online now right? Maybe you can collect enough aluminum cans to afford one?

Bangers : Take your stupid college degree and shove it up your...'hiicuppp!' Damn Black velvets! You know for someone that went to a major party school, you sure do handle your liquor worse than A-Fraud handles a bat in the playoffs. Why don't you learn to drink something besides American Beer like....'hiccuuuup!' Oh man, the room is spinning again. Where is 5 Stacks?

Mash : He's over there passed out on the floor again!

Bangers : What? Oh no, he's tossed his cookies all over himself again. Grab the check, we gotta go!
 

Category: General
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